Impeachment Should Stay "Off The Table"

Here's why: an impeachment trial might get in the way of the treason trial.

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Gee. I Wonder If *I'M* Normal...

From here:

University officials said that all of Cho's student victims would be awarded degrees posthumously.

Gosh. Thanks? I’ll bet they won’t be refunding their tuition.

Also: Fox said there is typically a precipitating event that sets a gunman off. It is not yet known what that was in Cho's case. "It may not be huge" to normal people, but to Cho "it was the final straw that broke the camel's back," Fox said.

“Fox” would be Northeastern University criminal justice professor James Alan Fox.

His website is here.

I left a message for him asking him to define these so-called “normal” people. I wonder if I’ll hear back. I'll let you know.

Also; this is fucking HIGH-larry-us. Careful, retard boy; you wouldn't want anyone to notice that YOU are "exhibiting abnormal behavior" and "suggest that somebody take a look". Like an impeachment panel. Le sigh. I can dream.

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I think I might like Dennis Kucinich more than I like Barack Obama...

- The immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Iraq and replacing them with an international security force? Check!
- Guaranteed quality education for all, including free pre-kindergarten and college for all who want it? Check!
- Immediate withdrawal from the World Trade Organization (WTO) and North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA)? Check!
- Repealing the USA PATRIOT Act? Check!
- Fostering a world of international cooperation? Check!
- Abolishing the death penalty? Check!
- Environmental renewal and clean energy? Check!
- Preventing the privatization of social security? Check!
- Providing full social security benefits at age 65? Check!
- Creating a cabinet-level "Department of Peace"? Check!
- Ratifying the ABM Treaty and the Kyoto Protocol? Check!
- Introducing reforms to bring about instant-runoff voting? Check!
- Protecting a woman's right to choose while decreasing the number of abortions performed in the US? Check!
- Ending the war on drugs? Check!
- Legalizing same-sex marriage? Check!
- Creating a balance between workers and corporations? Check!
- Ending the H1B and L3 Visa Programs? Check!
- Restoring rural communities and family farms? Check!

Sorry, Obama. I may end up voting for you...but I have to go with my heart.

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NO ONE CARES. SERIOUSLY.

Actual AP headline: "(Anna Nicole) Smith's funeral to feature pink flowers".

Um. Ben Fox? Hi. CHILDREN ARE DYING EVERY DAY IN THE BAHAMAS, IN THE SUDAN, IN ETHIPOPA, ALL OVER THE FUCKING WORLD. WHERE IS THEIR STORY? WHERE ARE THEIR PINK FLOWERS? Cunt.

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No, Moron...You REALLY Haven't.

President Bush called Rumsfeld ``one of America's most skilled, energetic and dedicated public servants.''

``We've been through war together,'' the president said. ``We have shared some of the most challenging moments in our nation's history.''

``This man knows how to lead and he did,'' the president said. ``And the country is better off for it''

You've been through a WAR together? NO. YOU HAVEN'T, YOU FUCKING WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE. AND NEITHER HAS YOUR TINPOT HIMMLER CLONE. You both sent a lot of people to their deaths, and by engaging in a holy war, killed hundreds of thousands of civilians. But you and "Rummy" have never heard shots fired in anger, never shed blood for your fellow soldiers/sailors/Marines...so don't you EVER say you've been through a war, OKAY, NUMBNUTS?!?!?!?!

Wow. Is it possible that he's even more of a fucktard now? That his "fucktard-osity" is actually increasing? Is that the Second Law of Fucktard Dynamics? "The fucktard-ity of an isolated fucktard brain not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum fucktard value at equilibrium." This assumes, of course, the fucktard brain ever actually APPROACHING equilibrium, and not merely ramping up fucktard processing power as needed.

This is merely theory, mind you.

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OH NO HE DIH-INT

"The United States is committed to worldwide elimination of torture, and we are leading this fight by example. Freedom from torture is an inalienable human right. Yet torture continues to be practiced around the world by rogue regimes, whose cruel methods match their determination to crush the human spirit."

~ George W. Bush, June 26th, 2003

"The United States does not torture. It's against our laws and it's against our values. I have not authorized it and I will not authorize it."

~ George W. Bush, July 7th, 2006

1. the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty.
2. a method of inflicting such pain.
3. Often, tortures. the pain or suffering caused or undergone.
4. extreme anguish of body or mind; agony.
5. a cause of severe pain or anguish. –verb (used with object)
6. to subject to torture.
7. to afflict with severe pain of body or mind: My back is torturing me.
8. to force or extort by torture: We'll torture the truth from his lips!
9. to twist, force, or bring into some unnatural position or form: trees tortured by storms.
10. to distort or pervert (language, meaning, etc.).

Um.

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Dance Of The Morons

Cost of cleaning up the Superdome, and readying it for tonight's Monday night football game: $144 million dollars

Cost of unused (declared unsafe for a flood area) FEMA trailers: $114 million dollars

From an AP story on the Superdome's re-opening:

Brian and LaChandra McGowan's lives are still in disarray.

A year after Hurricane Katrina destroyed their home and ravaged their city, they're in Dallas, where they moved "temporarily." That government trailer they've been waiting on for months has yet to materialize, and they're only now starting to rebuild their home.

And their close-knit family is strewn across the country — some in Phoenix, some in Baltimore, only one sibling in New Orleans.

Yet when it came time to renew their Saints season tickets, Brian McGowan never hesitated.

"I said, `Brian, we lost everything we had. We have nothing. We're fighting with the insurance company and FEMA, and you're going to spend money we don't have to hold onto these tickets?'" LaChandra McGowan recalled.

"He said, `That's all I have left and I won't let them go. We'll put it on a credit card, we'll do whatever it takes. I won't let them go.'"

Sure enough, the McGowans and their two sons were back in New Orleans on Sunday. Their trip will be brief, time enough to see some family and friends and the Saints' triumphant return home. But their presence — and that of thousands others like them — is as much a testament to the loyalty of Saints fans as to the resilience of the city itself

So...you're basically homeless, and you spent money you couldn't afford on FUCKING FOOTBALL TICKETS? Dude. You should have let Katrina kill you. You are as worthless a skinwalker as I've ever heard of in my entire life. Check your family tree; I'll bet you are somehow related to Dubya. Wow. What. A. Moron.

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I Wonder If My Geek License Will Be Revoked...

...because I couldn't care less about the new Transformers movie. I literally start snoring when I see the movie mentioned on a website. Never watched the cartoon. Never had the toys. The idea of sentient machines that can either be in the form of a fighting robot or...a truck sort of baffles me. And not in a good way, like dark matter, or how women manage to make their boobs jiggle so wonderfully. More in a "wow, that's stupid" or "wow, that's worse than the power rangers or that pokemon crap" kind of way. Wanna get me interested? Have them change from fighting robots into porn stars. Or trannies. "More than meets the eye", indeed!

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I Really Wish Your Imaginary Friend(s) Would Stop Making You Kill People

I remember the first indication I had that anything was wrong on 9/11/2001; it was the sound of jets flying over my apartment. I was still in Houston, and I lived near a building alternately called Williams Tower and the Transco Tower, right by the Galleria. I guess someone in power thought the building might be a target, so a flight of F-16s was summoned to circle around like so many buzzards. Because that’s where you want to shoot down the enemy plane; right next to the target, in a heavily populated area...

I was unaware that there was anything going on before I heard the jets overhead. I was unemployed, and playing video games on my couch before a job interview. Okay, maybe not before a job interview. Maybe before making lunch, followed by more video games. Shut up.

Rufus noticed the planes before I did, and came into the living room, meowing his head off, behavior which, if you’ve met Rufus, isn’t that unusual. This is a cat who yells at his water.

I looked out the windows, saw the planes, and turned on CNN (I had no computer/internet at that time); just in time to see tower one going down. Yikes.

My first thought was, sadly: finally. I had been expecting an attack on a major US city for years, but had predicted that it would be a dirty bomb, or worse, a “clean” bomb. Did you know that there are allegedly a number of “suitcase nukes” missing from the old KGB inventory? How many, you ask? Between five and ten. Eeek.

I wasn't surprised that planes were used as weapons after I learned who was responsible. Al Qaeda (whose leadership is made up of former Mujahideen fighters) was trained by the CIA to kill Soviets; one of the methods the Company taught was hijacking a fully fueled passenger plane and using it as a guided missile. Chickens, home, roost, etc…

Has this country learned anything in the five years since 9/11 that might prevent further attacks? Nope. We’re still pissing off potential attackers. The war to liberate Iraq has turned into the best recruiting event so-called “global terrorism” has seen since the Crusades. The fucktard in the White House is doing the best impression of Nero since, well, Nero. I feel LESS safe now than I did before 9/11. Here’s the thing; Israel may (in my opinion) get a few things wrong in the diplomacy department, but what they do get right is airport security. Check out this link from the Wikipedia page on El Al. Why don’t we do follow these methods in America? Four reasons: the airlines won’t spend the money (because they’d have to raise ticket prices), the government won’t put six marshals on every plane, most Americans wouldn’t want to show up three hours before their flight, and the government won't profile those of Arab descent. But look at El Al’s safety record; it’s beyond compare. Israel is a MUCH bigger target than the US, so maybe they know more about this sort of thing than we do. I’m not the biggest fan of any kind of profiling; but in some extreme cases, it’s academic. Until a blond, blue-eyed terrorist is arrested, don’t we have to look at the most likely persons to be involved with a terrorist act? The other side of that coin is that it would seem to emphasize the need for terrorists to recruit blond, blue-eyed operators. Hell; I ALWAYS get extra screening; I guess because I have a beard and a weird last name.

The really scary thing about the current state of airline security is that they tell you EXACTLY what you CAN bring on the plane. So, I can bring liquid medication on the plane (or more accurately, *something* in a medication container)? I can bring formula or breast milk for my baby? Great! If I’m an enterprising terrorist, I’ll make this information work for me. And don’t get me started on exit door screening, or the lack thereof. Can you imagine what might happen if some whack-job opened an exit door mid-flight? Have you ever sat on the exit row? Have you ever been screened for that seat assignment? You haven’t, have you? All they ask is if you are “willing and physically able to perform the duties associated with the seat”…on the ground. Do those doors work in the air? Do you trust the maintenance and electronics of an aircraft that has broken reading lights to have safeties on the exit doors?

Let’s not forget the “lesson” of Katrina. What if instead of a hurricane, broken levies, and flooding; New Orleans had been hit with a dirty bomb? Would the response have been the same? Shouldn’t FEMA and Homeland Defense have treated Katrina as a drill for just such a response? What better opportunity would they have had to test options for evacuating a city, and first response procedures?

But that’s not how the federal government learns. It takes more than one disaster or attack for them to learn a lesson. Uncle Sam is like a bad, bad puppy. It needs its nose pushed onto a great number of turds before it learns not to shit in the house. I have the sinking feeling that we aren’t done with turds just yet.

What, you may ask, is the root of these recent terror attacks? Greed, oil, money, religion and fear, in that order. There’s a WHOLE lot of money in oil and gas; and the men who control the rights to most of the supply are very religious, as are the people who live on the land over the oil and gas, as are the men who control production. We put bases in Muslim countries, and piss off people who don’t want the US in their country at all, except for the oil companies, but only for a price. Oh, you want our oil companies there? You want to buy our tanks, our planes? Sure! But we get to put a base in your country. Who controls the oil & gas supply? A few Middle Eastern Muslims. Who controls the production and the military? A few American Christians (who, beyond their greed, actually believe that they are doing "god's work" by destabilizing the region, thus helping bring about "Armageddon", and the "second coming" of their "savior"). Greed + Fear = Anger, and Anger + Poverty = Terror, or Crime, or both. It's a classic vicious cycle; and until terrorist attacks cause either group to lose large sums of money (we're talking in the hundreds of billions, for starters), neither side will change the status quo. "Everyone" (read: those in power) is making money; so what if thousands of civilians and military personnel are dying? So what if they are helping to create a culture of fear? So what if they are perpetuating a cycle of poverty (and thus, resentment of the west, and easier pickings for terrorist recruiters)?

Here's a "fun" question -

Q: What is the ultimate purpose of a terror attack?

A: To cause the civilian population to lose faith in their government, and that government’s ability to protect them from the scary/bad people, thus destabilizing said government. Period. There is no military upside to a terror attack. You aren't hitting a military target, so you haven't harmed those who oppress you, or those who might have the ability to directly strike back. There is no ground gained, no prisoners taken, and nothing of any real value learned, other than the competence of the first responders. There is sometimes a financial upside to a terror attack; but it's usually for the very governments that the terrorists are attacking.

So long as we fear terror, the terrorists win. So long as we allow our own government and politicians to control us using fear, the terrorists win. So long as we don’t prevent attacks using logical, proven methods, the terrorists win. We weren’t attacked because “they hate our freedom”, or because of “bad luck”, or “karma”. John Milton said it best: “Luck is the residue of design”. We trained an attack dog, hoping it wouldn’t come back and kill our children. It did. Now we’re helping breed more attack dogs, and we still aren’t protecting our children from future attacks. That's bad planning, not bad "luck". Something has to change before something worse than 9/11 happens. And soon.

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Things About Which I Officially Do Not Give A Shit (today, anyway)

(in no particular order)

- Tom Cruise

- Katie Holmes

- Suri Cruise (photos of, the actual existence of, etc.)

- Brooke Shields

- Paris Hilton (her, her "album", who she blows, the actual existence of, etc.)

- Lindsay Lohan's shaved vag (photos of, the smell of, the texture of, the actual existence of, etc.)

- Katie Couric

- The View

- Sumner Redstone

- Sports

- Your problems

- Jared Leto's hair

- the new religious website started by the Democrats

- David Hasslehoff

- flavored condoms

- any dessert not involving chocolate

- Ray Nagin

- Barrack Obama

- Dubya

- Karl Rove

- Steve Irwin (dead, alive, zombie, whatever)

- Barbara Boxer

- Donald Rumsfeld

- Tony Blair

- Anything I left off this list, but literally could not care less about

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Ray Nagin: Moron, Genius, Or Perhaps...Both?

"You guys in New York can't get a hole in the ground fixed and it's five years later. So let's be fair." - August 27th, 2006

Exactly! There's the straight-shootin' Ray that we sorta kinda of admire*!

"I tell you what I will never do again is refer to that site as a hole. It's a sacred site that is presently in an undeveloped state." - Like, two days later

Boo! Hiss! Pussy waffle boy! Let's be honest; it HAS been five years, and it IS still a hole in the ground, thanks to the morons at the Port Authority, and the moron governor of New York. And as for sacred; that's a religious statement, and ergo not logical.

Don't get me started on his "100 Days" promise.

Q: Why is he still the mayor of New Orleans?

A: Voodoo. And chocolate. Mmmm. Chocolate**.

* not so much
** voodoo = money; and the involvement of my beloved chocolate was negligible

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In Other News, Chocolate Is DELIGHTFUL!

We know, Monkey Boy. We just keep trying to FORGET. Maybe you should go clear some brush, and let the grownups do the grownup stuff, m'kay?

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But Jon Stewart Isn't!

Said by Mr. Stewart while emceeing the Peabody Awards: "This afternoon's program is sponsored by your Internet and phone records. Isn't that interesting — your Internet and phone records, because 'blah blah blah, 9-11.'. Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot."

He is officially at the top of my man-crush list. Um, Stewart, not Goering.

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Sean Penn Is A Retard...FOR REALZ.

Penn Slams "Insensitive" Reporting

Actor Sean Penn has blasted the US media for "insensitive" reporting, insisting journalists no longer make time to investigate stories thoroughly. The crusading star recently covered the Iranian elections for the San Francisco Chronicle, submitting a 12,000 word article about the eye-opening experience. But the Mystic River actor admits the press project has left him cynical about US reporting. He says, "There's a constant insensitivity. I watched journalists. They could only ever be seen by their subject as the person with a deadline. It's 'breaking news', literally. By the time you get the news, you've broken it. You don't get a chance to investigate stories. These journalists spend half the time in the internet cafe, filing a story."

Um. Sean? We live in a culture of immediacy. Twenty four hour news has conditioned the public into an "instant gratification" mode insofar as current events; and if you don't tell them, they will look elsewhere. So, of course the reporters are fighting deadlines; and because of this, they don't have time to look at EVERY SINGLE THREAD OF A STORY. Don't hate the player, hate the game; oh and by the way, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN THE GAME IN JOURNALISM. Also, there's this thing in journalism called "objectivity". It allows a reporter to write a story without become so involved that they become part of the story; you might want to look into that. It isn't like acting; where you WANT to get involved and be part of the story. The Anderson Cooper model is a good example; he gets involved with the story, he cares, he gets emotional without BECOMING the story. Mostly. You, on the other hand, LOVE being the story. Like Michael Moore, you love the sound of your own crowing more than you love the subject of your rants; and thusly you both make all liberals look bad. If you could please stop being such a retard, that would be awesome. Failing that, just stop appearing in public. THANKS!

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Eight More Years!

Warning: I'm going to say some incendiary things in this post. I'm not threatening to commit the acts I describe; I am merely saying that someone SHOULD be committing them. If you don't like what I have to say, change the fucking channel, moron.

Now. On to the show.

I think George W. Bush should be president for eight more years.

Let me allow that to sink in before I continue.

Eight. More. Years.

Yes.

Why, you may ask? Why do I, I hardcore Bush hater, want him in office for eight more years?

Simply put, because the opposition to those like him isn't angry enough. Not yet.

I watched "The Henry Rollins Show" on IFC this weekend. On it, Henry and Patton Oswalt had a great conversation about the reaction of the American voting public to Bush. The conclusion that Patton has come to is this: we, as a people, sort of think it's amazing that an idiot like Dubya could have come this far. And when he and his cronies lie about, oh, EVERYTHING, we sort of admire them for their moxie. It's like a cute Labrador puppy who keeps doing the exact same bad thing, no matter how many times his nose is rubbed in it, no matter how many times you yell at him, no matter how many times you swat his nose...he still keeps going back and repeating the same bad act. Dubya is like that puppy. Stupid, but sort of cute the way he looks all tail-waggy and sad when he's caught with his nose in the cat litter for the tenth time.

When I say the opposition isn't angry enough; I don't mean the far left. They've been angry enough since 1998, when he first started his exploratory committee. I mean moderate democrats. I mean moderate republicans. I mean libertarians.

The fake war on terror was bad. The climbing national debt and corporate welfare was worse. The immigration "debate" is awful. Now, despite no chance of it actually passing, a new constitutional amendment banning gay marriage is being put forth.

To be asked to swallow yet another jagged little pill from this White House, from this Congress, is too much. There should be riots in the streets. The US capitol dome and the White House should be aflame. There should be military troops fighting a futile holding action against a new American revolution.

But there isn't. We are sheep. Baaaaaaaaaaaaa. We only fight when our own personal interest is threatened. Usually our money, but also our snacks.

Imagine if a constitutional amendment banning an unmarried couple (of any sex) from living in the same house was put forth. They are already trying this in small measures in Missouri. Or imagine an amendment saying that you could not marry outside your ethnicity. Might that get the attention of a bored and slightly amused electorate?

Nope. What would, you ask? Simple. An amendment banning television. THEN we'd have ourselves a revolution. I'd be right up front, too. I gots to have my TEEVEE.

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Random Thoughts: The Thursday BUT I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE FUCKING DENTIST Edition

- If you are female, have large breasts, and are wearing a tight sweater or showing more than an inch of cleavage, DUDES ARE GOING TO STARE AT YOU, specifically, at your rack. Enjoy it, ignore it, get a reduction or get thee to a nunnery. Glaring when you "catch" us looking at your self-advertisement just makes you look bitter and hypocritical.

- On a related note, if I can see more than half an inch of your coin slot, I feel like I owe you a drink. But that's just one man's feelings.

- Please note that the "War On Drugs" has not yet targeted McDonald's french fries. Ha.

- If a "higher being" actually existed, I'd hope she'd be a lot like Mary J. Blige.

- X-Men 3 quick review: a large quantity of characters is no substitute for actual character development. You're welcome!

- A sign that you have been domesticated: cleaning the kitchen with your partner before going to bed makes you feel all warm inside.

- Has Tony Snow quit yet? No? Soon, one hopes.

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Answers To Unasked Questions

- No, I'm not on Friendster.

- Yes, I have a blog.

- No, you may not have the address.

- She's in the bathroom.

- Two parts cat litter, one part shredded bibles.

- Dark chocolate.

- At least twice a week. More often if necessary.

- First you dip some toilet paper in the clean bowl. Otherwise it won't work.

- Only if everyone is asleep, and I'm in the mood.

- Dry rub. Wet marinades make the meat dry out too much at higher temperatures.

- If she's pregnant, old, or infirm in some way. Otherwise, no way.

- Sure, if you want to look like a raccoon welder.

- No, a raccoon who is a welder, not someone who welds raccoons.

- No, that isn't like a dogwelder.

- Duct tape, cardboard, and some sticks. Oh, and your imagination.

- No, I'm not sorry, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Twice if pushed.

- Because it makes me gag.

- More than I should.

- Of course. Who wouldn't? Rufus is awesome, and possibly the best spooner in the universe.

- Only when I need to vent.

- I know. It's just that I don't fucking care. That's all.

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We're All Going To Die. Hooray!

It's really just a question of how, and when. Be safe!

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Oh. Hi!

February? Really? Gosh. Sorry. No excuse.

A few random thoughts:

- Suri...Moxie CrimeFighter...Zolten Penn...Bluebell Madonna...Apple...Poppy Honey...Daisy Boo...Pilot Inspektor...Speck Wildhorse...Zowie...Tinkerbell...Peaches Honeyblossom...Fifi Trixibelle...Tigerlily. These, dear reader, are celebrity baby names. Add this to the "list of things needing independent oversight".

- The McDonald's salads aren't bad. If you take off the cheese. And add cucumbers and your own delicious salad dressing. Mmmm.

- If you know anyone who has three million dollars to spare, and wants to be the silent/money partner for a ren-fair/D&D concept bar/restaurant in Chicago, let me know. I have a great business plan ready and waiting.

- Moron Watch: Tony Snow (tell us, Tone; what do the nuts in Dubya's poop taste like?), Hillary Clinton (ethanol? really? more expensive and not as good as regular gas? ah. okay.), Al Gore (hi! global warming is a natural process that we humans can't stop, okay? so, shut up, grow your beard back, and go help Tipper put labels on all the music I like.), Donald Rumsfeld (dude, have you considered, you know, quitting your job and going home to fish? seriously.), Mayor Daley (foie gras? you're gonna get mad about fucking foie gras? idiot.) and the CTA (just because).

That's all. I'll try to post more. Promise.

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Dear Mariah:

Please stop acting. You are not good at it, not at all. You appear to be skilled at singing (or at least at selling CDs), perhaps you could stick with that? Thanks! Much appreciated!

Signed,

EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET

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Well! That Settles That. Anyone Up For Some Darts?

Dear Justice Scalia:

I was just reading an article about this no "living Constitution" theory, and your belief in sticking to the plain text of the Constitution "as it was originally written and intended", and I have some questions about what this could mean for our country:

- Since the Amendments are not part of the original work (the Constitution was ratified in 1788, but Amendments 1-10 were adopted in 1791); should we abolish the Bill of Rights?

- How about the Electoral College? Would that no longer exist? And the popular vote of the people would determine who was elected president? That'd be NIFTY! So, Al Gore would get to be president? Yikes. Well, you dance with them what brung ya.

- Would slavery be legal, and as a result, blacks would only counted be as three-fifths of a person? Also; would you have to hold a master's degree in order to actually be a slave master? How about experience in the S&M/B&D world? Would one have to buy their own straw hats and bullwhips, or would they be provided?

- Would citizenship for anyone not born on US soil be revoked? If so, would that mean that Arnold Schwarzenegger would have to go back to Austria? Because I'm cool with that.

- Would only white males be allowed to vote?

- Would income tax be abolished?

- How would we elect senators? Could we do it using a Jeopardy-style show? Or a pub quiz?

- I guess we could still drink all we want, what with the back and forth on Amendments XXI and XVIII being moot, right?

- With no term limits, could we rerun the 2000 election with Bill Clinton against Dubya? Pretty please?

- Seeing as people living in DC will no longer have the right to vote for president; could they have some sort of consolation prize? Maybe candy? Or sunglasses? Or sunglasses made of candy? Those would probably melt.

- Could I find out now how much my poll tax will be? How will that be decided? If I volunteer to work at the polling place, would I qualify for a discount, or even possibly have my tax waived? I'd bring snacks. Cookies, probably. No big whoop.

- While I applaud the hard work the Supreme Court has done over the years; some of its decisions were made based on interpretation of the (obviously!) flawed amendments. Does your belief mean that Marbury v. Madison, Dredd Scott, Miranda, Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade and Plessy v. Ferguson would be over-turned?

I thank you for your time, and I look forward to your answers to these important questions.

Your pal,

~ Alex

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the secret of my endurance

I still get letters in the mail, mostly from cracked-up
men in tiny rooms with factory jobs or no jobs who are
living with whores or no woman at all, no hope, just
booze and madness.
Most of their letters are on lined paper
written with an unsharpened pencil
or in ink
in tiny handwriting that slants to the
left

and the paper is often torn
usually halfway up the middle
and they say they like my stuff,
I've written from where it's at, and
they recognize that. truly, I've given them a second
chance, some recognition of where they're at.

it's true, I was there, worse off than most
of them.
but I wonder if they realize where their letters
arrive?
well, they are dropped into a box
behind a six-foot hedge with a long driveway leading
to a two car garage, rose garden, fruit trees,
animals, a beautiful woman, mortgage about half
paid after a year, a new car,
fireplace and a green rug two-inches thick
with a young boy to write my stuff now,
I keep him in a ten-foot cage with a
typewriter, feed him whiskey and raw whores,
belt him pretty good three or four times
a week.
I'm 59 years old now and the critics say
my stuff is getting better than ever.

- Charles Bukowski from Dangling in the Tournefortia (1981)

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If Only I Wrote For The AP...

Click on the picture to see a larger version. See if you can spot the minor change I made to the original story.

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How To Dismantle An Awards Show

For the first time ever, I watched the entire Grammy telecast (telecast? what am I, 80?), except for the parts I fast-forwarded* through (e.g.; performances by singers/bands I don't like, and some I do). And (shocker!) I have some questions with the performances, and with to whom some of the awards were given. Not a complete list, and in no particular order:

Album of the Year -

Winner: How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, U2

Should Have Won: Late Registration, Kanye West

Big fat duh. Giving U2 this award is almost as bad as Jethro Tull winning the hard rock/metal Grammy back in 1989. Not quite. But almost. U2 hasn't been relevant musically since, oh, 1990. Plus, back in 1992, I delivered pizza to them (to the Houston Astrodome, during the Zoo TV tour). After fighting traffic and security, I safely delivered ten pies to them, only to not be tipped. So you can see how I might be bitter. Also, "Late Registration" is artistically in another universe from "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb".

Record of the Year -

Winner: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Green Day

Should Have Won: Gold Digger, Kanye West

Two things. One, I like Green Day. They seem like nice boys. And Billie Joe's "get well" for Les Paul was touching. Also, please explain how a song on an album released in 2004 can win a Grammy for 2005. Okay, I know how. It's still stupid. But the album the song is on won LAST YEAR! That's fucked.

Song of the Year -

Winner: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2

Should Have Won: "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen

If anything, just for the "Bring 'em home" he added at the end of the performance.

Best New Artist -

Winner: John Legend

Should Have Won: John Legend or Keane

This can be one of those cursed categories.… Hootie & The Blowfish, best new ANYTHING? Not to mention the whole Milli Vanilli fiasco. You're not sure if you WANT the singer/band you like to win.

Best Pop Album -

Winner: Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Should Have Won: Extraordinary Machine, Fiona Apple

I like Kelly. She has a wonderful waist/hip/butt area, and she can sing. But Fiona went through hell to make this album, and it's brilliant.

Best Rap Album -

Winner: Late Registration, Kanye West

Should Have Won: Late Registration, Kanye West

I also would have been happy Common winning for Be, which I like better than Late Registration; but Kanye helped make it that good, so it's sort of a win/win.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance -

Winner: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson

Should Have Won: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson

Meh. I like Ted Leo's cover better then her original. But she does have that lovely waist/hip/butt area.

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance -

Winner: "From The Bottom Of My Heart," Stevie Wonder

Should Have Won: I so don't care. Seal, maybe.

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -

Winner: "This Love," Maroon 5

Should Have Won: "My Doorbell," The White Stripes

My GF says that The White Stripes should win every Grammy for every category. I tend to agree; and would personally love to see what Jack and Meg could do with Best Native American Music Album...

Best Pop Collaboration By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -

Winner: "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul

Should Have Won: "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul

I like the Foo Fighters better, but I'm not a Norah Jones fan. Meh.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -

Winner: "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own," U2

Should Have Won: "Best Of You," Foo Fighters

Or, how about ANYONE BUT U2?

Best Rock Song -

Winner: "City Of Blinding Lights," U2 (written by U2)

Should Have Won: "Best Of You," Foo Fighters (written by Foo Fighters) or "Beverly Hills," Weezer (written by Rivers Cuomo)

Again, ANYONE BUT U2.

Best Rock Album -

Winner: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, U2

Should Have Won: In Your Honor, Foo Fighters

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group -

Winner: "Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas

Should Have Won: "The Corner," Common Featuring The Last Poets

Um. I'm sorry? The Black Eyed Peas? Rap? Um. No. Please see Jethro Tull, hard rock/metal, 1989. Also, someone please kill the Black Eyed Peas. Please. With a hammer. Now.

Now, as for the performances...how do the White Stripes not get asked to perform, but U2 and Paul McCartney get two songs each? Paul got three if you count his joining Jay Z and Linkin Park for "Yesterday". And don't gperformedarted on Madonna. Ick. Who else should have perfomed? How about the Foo Fighters? Weezer? The Killers? Franz Ferdinand? Common? The performances were so pop/mainstream oriented, and I get that; it appeals to their core audience.

It was nice to see Sly and and his GINORMOUS mohawk...and the "SLY" codpiece. Then he sort of just...left; sort of like he didn't really feel comfortable with what was going on onstage. I know exactly how he feels.


* - I almost never watch live TV. Me love my DVRs. LOVE!

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Irony With A Capital "I"

Is anyone else amused by Dubya calling for an end to the violent protests triggered by cartoons of Muhammad? Especially this statement:

"With freedom comes the responsibility to be thoughtful about others"

Um. Wow. Practice what you preach, moron.

In other news, I posted the cartoons in question to my Flickr account, meaning to make them private, intending to use them as the basis of a discussion of press freedoms and religious iconography. I did not realize at the time I uploaded them that you can make things private as they upload. Literally SECONDS after I uploaded them, I got this message from "pakidude", another Flicker member:

Subject: Offensive Content

I am shocked to learn, the same religiously offensive cartoons that have been refused to be published by major US newspapers like Washington Post and USA today, have been posted on flickr by you.

As a progressive Muslim living in New York, I can assure you that every single Muslim will find them extremely offensive and insensitive.

Syed

I, of course, responded in my usual calm and polite manner:

Re: Offensive Content

You're shocked? Why are you shocked? Do you know me? You don't, do you? I'm not religious. I find religious iconography interesting. I posted them to show some friends, and have a discussion about religious tolerance and the freedom of the press.

And I have a news flash for you, Jack:

- You aren't all that progressive if you find a cartoon offensive.

- I could care less about what "every single Muslim" (above and beyond the fact that GUESS WHAT YOU DON'T SPEAK FOR ALL OF THEM) finds offensive, just like I didn't care what Christians thought when I posted this - flickr.com/photos/weirdoactor/61373426/ or what Scientologists thought when I posted this - flickr.com/photos/weirdoactor/73261235/.

Now. Please fuck off.

I then made the pictures private (again, this was my original intention) and blocked "Syed".

He responded on this blog accordingly (since deleted, as it was off-topic for the post):

what happened fuck face? i guess flickr deleted your shit... tough luck bitch... thats what you get for being a fucking moron. syed from flickr.

I responded:

Let me answer your question; "what happened fuck face?" Having little context to go by, and judging solely from your photos; I'd say that your mom fucked a camel. That’s just a guess. It may be wrong.

Your next statement, “i guess flickr deleted your shit...” is untrue. I made the pictures viewable by only my friends and family; which was my original intention. Not because I didn’t want to insult the likes of you and your easily insulted brethren; but to avoid interactions such as these with small-minded worshipers of imaginary people like you.

You then put forth this interesting statement: “tough luck bitch”. Wow. I don’t believe in luck; but I do hear that “Reality is a bitch and I heard that she bites”. Seeing as your entire religion seems based on keeping women in a lower caste, and devaluing them in general, I’m not shocked that you would use such language. I wonder what your nieces would say about that? Well, if they were a) allowed to speak on such matters and b) could be understood from behind their veils.

Your next bon mot was “thats what you get for being a fucking moron”. First of all; not to go all “grammar cop” on you, but that apostrophe lives between the “t” and the “s” for a reason, mister! Secondly; who’s the fucking moron here? Me for posting cartoons for discussion on my gallery; or you for attacking a stranger with no context or dialogue?

I should also tell you the following, just so you know where I’m coming from:

- I hate George W. Bush, and have proudly voted against him four times
- I do not support the war on terror or the war in Iraq; I find them both to be an extreme waste of time, money and lives
- I hate all religions equally, for the pain they have caused over the centuries

I wish you the best of luck, “Syed”. You’ll need it.

Oh, I’ve blocked you from looking at my account on Flickr. Feel free to post whatever you want on my blog; but I’ll probably just delete it if it’s anything like your last post.

Gosh. I hope he doesn't crash a plane into my house. That would suck. Also, it would piss off my girlfriend; who does NOT wear a veil, and WOULD swear out a fatwa on his skinny ass. JIHAD, MOTHERFUCKER!

Wanna see the cartoons? Click on the title of this entry, or here.

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John Wayne: Gayer Than Eight Guys Blowing Nine Guys*

Um. Yeah.



* © Patton Oswalt, all rights reserved.

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Miscellany...

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I don't post if I'm not moved to, or if I can't be bothered.

Here's what's going on in my world:

- The other day I was informed that my contract would not be renewed at my current job. This sucks on many levels, but very nice of them to give me five weeks warning, so I can look for another situation. I wish I could stay on here. The money's good, the people are nice, and free lunch. Meh.

- I want to go back and finish college; but I can't decide what I want to study. I have it narrowed down to film/video editing (with training in flash and shockwave) or forensic accounting.

- Saw "Brokeback Mountain". It will win many, many Oscars, deservedly so. It's is a wonderful film.

- Saw "King Kong". It is also a wonderful film, for similar reasons. Both films made me cry. The GF hated it; thought it was too long. This from someone who doesn't flinch at watching all three LOTR films, director's cuts, back to back to back. I just think she's scairt of GIANT SPI-DERS.

- Here are some funny photos or things I've found of late:



I took this picture in my cubicle the other day. I hung my coat up, like a good boy...and the whole day, I kept thinking that someone was BEHIND ME. Yikes. I went back to crumpling it on top of my filing cabinet.



Oh, that George Bush...he even has bad grammar in PRINT! HA! The president is a retard who has no public speaking skills! Ha! No one has ever observed that, EVER!

That's all for now. Back to eating my apple. Meh.

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Who Are These "People" Making These "Choices", And How Retarded Are They?

Ah. The People's Choice Awards. I find them fascinating, mainly as a compass of what was popular...five years ago.

Example: Sandra Bullock won for "Favorite Female Movie Star". Um. What films did she "star" in (as she is a "movie star") last year? You can't really count Crash as a "starring" role; she plays a small, not flashy part in the film. Did anyone see Loverboy? I didn't. From what I've read, it doesn't seem like she has a starring role. Then we have Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. She's the star of that film. On a budget (not including advertising) of $45M, it has thus far grossed $48,472,213 in US theatres (worldwide: $101M). I cannot determine how much the DVD has grosses through sales and rentals; but it is currently listed below "Alfie" on the Amazon top sellers list, so that's not a good sign. My point is, SHE DID NOT STAR IN A SUCCESSFUL FILM IN 2005.

The "Favorite Male Action Star" was Matthew McConaughey. Yes. That Matthew McConaughey. "Male Action Star"? For what? For fucking SAHARA?!?!?!? Did these people fucking SEE that movie? On purpose?

"Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith" won both "Favorite Movie" and "Favorite Movie Drama". Wow, do I not have my finger on the pulse of pop culture. To a person, everyone I talked to about that movie FUCKING HATED IT. I fell asleep three times. How does that piece of shit beat "Batman Begins", in TWO FUCKING CATEGORIES? "Hitch" (which it beat for "Favorite Movie") was better than that fucking movie.

I have no trouble with their other winners, in theory. Brad Pitt, leading man? Okay. Of the three nominees (Jamie Foxx & Adam Sandler), he'd be a distant second. "Favorite Female Action Star" Jennifer Garner? For "Alias" alone. NOT for "Elektra". All I know is, I hope that non-retards get an awards show soon. It's only fair.

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I...AM...LOGISTICS BOY!!!!!

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Makes You Wonder About Rules One & Two...

Overheard on the elevator in the building I work in:

Dude #1: Rule number three - chicks who have pictures of their pets in their personal ads should be avoided at all costs.

Dude #2: True dat.

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iPOOOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [/khan]

My iPod (4th generation 20 gig click wheel) has worked just fine since I bought it in March of 2005; recently (over the last month) it has begun to behave quite oddly:

- it claims to be out of power even though I know it's charged up
- it skips songs by itself and/or freezes up
- at one point the all of songs “disappeared”, then came back, but it still skips songs (in the middle of the song mostly), or freezes (mostly at the end of songs), THEN skips to the next song.

Now my computer will not recognize my iPod (it just sits there, while the iPod makes clicking/restarting noises), and iTunes will not update my iPod. I have tried resetting it, I tried different cables, different computers, I tried charging the iPod completely before connecting...but nothing helps.

I found several articles on the internet suggesting that for these types of problems there are but two options:

1) replace the hard drive (i.e., new/refurbished iPod, lose all music not backed up, meaning ALL music, as I’m having trouble with my backup drive as well)
2) drop the iPod from three inches onto a desk.

Out of frustration, I tried #2. My iPod is now working perfectly.

Sigh.

Viva la caveman.

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The Worst Sort Of Hypocrisy Is That Of The Zealot.

There is currently no reason to believe that plants experience pain
because they are devoid of central nervous systems, nerve endings, and brains.

This was also thought of humans not too terribly long ago.

Everybody is entitled to his or her own opinion, but freedom of thought is not the same thing as freedom of action. You are free to believe whatever you want as long as you don’t hurt others. You may believe that animals should be killed, that black people should be enslaved, or that women should be beaten, but you don’t always have the right to put your beliefs into practice.

Wow. Arrogant much?

An animal’s inability to understand and adhere to our rules is as irrelevant as a child’s or a person with a developmental disability’s inability to do so.

Um. If a child or a "person with a developmental disability" murders someone or burns down a building, they are forced to "adhere to our rules", often by being institutionalized or jailed.

There are people on both sides of the abortion issue in the animal rights movement, just as there are people on both sides of animal rights issues in the pro-life movement. And just as the pro-life movement has no official position on animal rights, the animal rights movement has no official position on abortion.

Wow. I got a headache reading that one.

The animal rights movement is nonviolent.

WHAT? Right.

There are very serious problems in the world that deserve our attention, and cruelty to animals is one of them. We should try to alleviate suffering wherever we can. Helping animals is not any more or less important than helping human beings—they are both important. Animal suffering and human suffering are interconnected.

Brings to mind the announcement you hear on airplanes: please place the breathing mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting those who may need help.

Morons. I'm all for preventing animal cruelty. But there's a food chain for a reason. Meat is tasty. Yum. The great thing about eating meat, is that if push comes to shove, I can eat a vegan.

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Ridiculous.

Should we call menorahs "holiday candleabras" as well? Let christmas trees be fucking christmas trees. Who cares?

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Double Aw!

An update on this story. I love a happy ending. That's why my girlfriend forbids me from getting massasges. HEY NOW.

Home at last!

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Gosh. Maybe You Shouldn't Be A Pharmacist, Huh?

This is a slippery slope, indeed. How about (stolen/modified from here):

- Check out clerks who verify how fat you are before selling you that package of potato chips?
- Pharmacists who don't want to fill prescriptions for Jewish customers whose ancestors killed Christ?
- Pharmacists who don't want to help customers who worship a "Satanic counterfeit" (read: "The Pope," in fundie-speak)?
- Pharmacists who only dispense HIV medicine to "innocent victims" of AIDS?
- Pharmacists who want proof that women seeking emergency contraception were really raped, and that they didn't "deserve it"?
- Christian Scientist pharmacists or cashiers who refuse to sell any medicine, even aspirin, to anyone?
- Pharmacists who won't sell birth control pills to unmarried women, condoms to unmarried men, or any birth control at all because God doesn't want people spilling their seed?
- Employees who, for religious reasons, refuse to interact with gay people in any way, shape or form since gays are sinners, abominations, biological errors, and very likely pedophiles?

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I'm Not Worried About The Pirates...

I'm worried about the NINJAS. Yarrr.

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You Are Not A Whore. But You Are Wearing A Whore's Uniform, I'll Tell You That!

There really should be a word for the look a woman gives a guy when she notices him staring at her overly exposed cleavage. Where is Rich Hall when you really need him?

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Just So We're Clear...

...it's perfectly okay for Will Smith to have guns on movie posters, but it is NOT okay for 50 Cent to have guns on movies posters or billboards. But if you are white and attractive, it's ALWAYS okay. Um. Any questions?

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Best Cartoon EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111

Making fun of the religious may not be nice, but it sure is FUN!

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Remember When Models Were...What's The Word...ATTRACTIVE?

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Quote For The Day:

"Only the guilty find the truth insulting."

And who said this, you ask?

I did. Just now.

Why, you ask, did I say this?

On Monday, I was told by one of the primary fucktards in my life (who is mostly responsible for much of my current stress) that my e-mails detailing his mistakes on the project we're working on were "insulting". I was even "ordered" not to cc: others on such e-mails; something I had actually not done, but may soon do, not just to people involved in this project, but to everyone I know who works in theatre, and maybe a few people I don't know.

I understand his pain*. No one likes being called on their bullshit. Especially if they don't BELIEVE that it's bullshit, and in fact think they haven't MADE any mistakes. See also: the Bush Administration, most major corporations, etc.

* Just because I understand his pain does NOT make him any less of a fucktard.

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Things You Probably Don't Know About Me...

- I'm pro-choice, but anti-abortion.

- I speak fluent cat.

- I'm scared of people. Or maybe I just don't LIKE people.

- When I'm bored at work, sometimes I play "space battle" with pens, thumbtacks, and binder clips.

- I almost joined a Buddhist monastery a few years ago.

- I do NOT know when to hold 'em, or when to fold 'em. I do, however, know when to walk away, and I damn sure know when to run.

- I'm not as big an asshole as some people think I am. I am also not as nice as my girlfriend believes I am.

- I almost went on one of those "Russian Romance" tours to meet prospective wives before I met my girlfriend.

- My real dream is NOT to be a successful actor, but to be rich enough to never have to leave the house ever again (see the third item above).

- Ever since I was very young, I believed that someday I would develop special/super/psychic/magical powers that would make me special, and I'd be able to help people. I only recently stopped believing that. That was a pretty sad day for me.

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Aw.

The worst part of the story, she ended up in FRANCE. Yikes. I hope she didn't step in a poodle.

I couldn't decide on just one picture to use:

Emily the kitty?

Her boyfriend?

Their kitten?

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Wait. You're Supposed To Use WATER?

One of the many reasons I don't drink their crappy beer. They are NOT SMART PEOPLE. Plus, the beer sucks.

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So...I Guess This Means I'm RETROACTIVELY Healthy?

Hmmm...

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I'm Trying To Keep In Mind That Things Are Most Dark Before The Dawn...

Or some other bullshit platitude. Fuck. I was happy that they fucking MADE IT...but this is just embarrassing. I've stopped wearing my Astros hat in public, for fear of causing someone injury from laughing too hard.

It's not like the Sox are kicking the Astros around the field. All three games have come down to one play, one pitch, one situation...but of course, that could be said of any game that isn't a total blowout. The key players (hell, just about ALL the players) for the Astros simply are not hitting with men on base/in scoring position. The White Sox aren't either; but they seem to be getting better swings than the 'stros. This would be an enjoyable, if nail-biting series if the Astros weren't involved. Fuck.

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I'll *cough* Smoke Where *cough* I Damn Well *cough* Please!!!

I'm of two minds on this. The GF smokes; and I do enjoy an occasional cigar. At the same time, I understand that smoke bothers some people; and that servers & bartenders don't seem to get much of a choice in the matter. I think the solution is rather simple: make some bars and restaurants smoke friendly (with signs posted warning people before entry), let people who WANT to work there do so, and make all businesses that do NOT want smoking indoors smoke-free. Telling all businesses that they can't do something seems a bit rigid; like telling them they can't serve fried/fatty foods. Sure, there are things that are bad for you in the world; but make it an individual choice, not a blanket descision.

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Um. Yikes?

Jigga, please.

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I Think I Figured Out Why The Astros Lost Game 5...

Um. Please stop that. People are...uh...trying to get through life. Thanks!

Also, fear not! The archetypal dirty French whore STILL EXISTS! I know *I* feel a whole lot better knowing that...

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Sorry, Fellers; She's Spoke Fer!

Ann "Brownshirt" Coulter and her beau. Congrats, y'all!

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Please, PLEASE STOP FUCKING!!!!!!!!111

Or at least STOP HAVING LITTLE WATER HEADED REDNECK BABIES. We have more than enough of those, thank you. Read up on how zero population growth might be a GOOD thing, donchayaknow. Have you considered adopting? Nah; hard to get a white christian baby that way, huh? Riiiiiiiiiiiiight...

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The Pussification of Kwame, And Other Crap...

Oh, Kwame. WHO FUCKING CARES? First, it's your earring. Then your balls. Stay strong.

Also, Rick Santorum is still a fucktard. And, YIKES! One more: is this shocking to anyone? War PR has been prevelant since Lincoln's day. Heck, since the frickin' Trojan War. Or before. It's sad; but is it news? Not really. It's "olds".

In other news, I am 90% off book for the show I'm currently rehearsing, "Evangeline". We open next Saturday. Eeek. Fucking Longfellow. You try reading the following phrase, much less MEMORIZING the fucker:

Thinking ever of you, uncertain and sorrowful ever, ever silent, or speaking only of you and his troubles, he at length had become so tedious to men and to maidens, tedious even to me, that at length I sent him to St. Charles to trade for mules with the Spaniards.

Um. REPEAT YOURSELF MUCH, DUDE? I HATES HIM. HATES HIM! I GOT YER GITCHE GUMEE "AT LENGTH", RIGHT IN MY FUCKING DICKIES, YOU EVER TEDIOUS BITCH!!!!!

Anyway. Hi!

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Letter For Buddha? Allah? Krishna? Brahman? Devi? Danu? Ganesha? Shiva? Shakti? Morrigan? Cailleach? Rhiannon? Zeus? Athena? YOU ARE SO SCREWED.

Laïcité is sounding better and better. If only the streets of Paris weren't peppered with dog poop mines. Meh.

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Best Article Title EVER!

On this, we agree. I, too deny Bush's "god"!

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Too Bad We Don't Have A "Presidential Brown-noser"...OH WAIT.

Billy, from Bethel, CT writes:
Hi, I would like to say that Bush is has the right idea about the "No Child Left Behind" program. Now clebrating its second year, for the first time children in the* grades 3-8 will be tested with reading and math tests to figure out their abilities to work with such subjects. Great job and keep up the good work. Billy*

Harriet Miers
Hi, Billy, and good next question!

Um. Harriet? BILLY DIDN'T ASK A FUCKING QUESTION, OKAY? HE LICKED BUSH'S BROWNEYE. DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A LAW DEGREE? DO YA? DID THEY TEACH HOW TO IDENTIFY QUESTIONS AT YOUR LAW SCHOOL? I'LL GIVE YOU A WEE TIP, DARLIN': QUESTIONS GENERALLY INVOLVE SOME FORM OF REQUEST FOR INFORMATION, AND END WITH THIS PUNCUATION MARK:

?

Yeah. She's SWELL, huh?

* the mistakes above are "Billy's", left intact and unedited, as you will see if you follow the link...methinks he was left behind LONG AGO.

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YAY!

Okay. Next on the agenda: outlaw politicians, so that we can avoid such situations in the FIRST place...

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Up And Away, Into The Wild Blue Yon...OH LOOK, THERE'S GOD!!!!!11

"It's a shocking disgrace that I had to file this thing," Weinstein told The Associated Press.

Yes. Yes, it is.

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Land Of The...Um...Free?

Wow. Little pink houses, for you and me. I think people who want to crack down on immigration must not eat fruit or vegetables, need their houses or buildings cleaned, or have any other shitty job performed that "legals" (for the most part) are too proud to do.

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40 Things That Only Happen In Movies

My favorite:

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

Well. Duh.

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Logic, Scientific Study Titles Do NOT go Hand In Hand...

Wow. Suggestion for their next study: the connection between DOFS (Dusty Orange Finger Syndrome) and the consumption of Cheetoes...

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I Have No Problem With The Bible Being Taught In Public Schools...

...so long as it's taught as mythology.

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Next Stop: SKYNET!

For those who do not get the reference in the title, click here...

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In Other News, Donkeys Flew Out Of My Butt Earlier Today...Film At NEVER!

Just when you start to lose "faith" in the system...gosh, I wonder if, er, I mean HOW he'll beat the charges?

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Reality? Not Even Close.

Laura Bush has gotten a free ride for FAR too long. Let's get down to the brass tacks regarding the "First Lady"...anyone STUPID enough to marry a moron like Dubya, by simple extrapolation, would have to be TWICE as stupid as he is. Possibly even "functionally retarded"; whatever the fuck that means. I'm sick of her coming off like the second coming of Mother Teresa, while Hillary Clinton (who granted, is a HUGE bitch, albeit one I admire) is portrayed as Lady Macbeth. Especially knowing what an enormous cunt Dubya's mom is; and the tendencies of such pussy-ish men to marry a woman "just like momma"...yeah. And don't get me started on the hypocritical pile of shit that is Lynne Cheney.

Oh, and FYI: if you're the director of a reality show, and during the course of your duties you need to use the phrase "act surprised!"...guess what? You have CEASED TO BE THE DIRECTOR OF A REALITY SHOW. YOU ARE NOW DIRECTING A STAGED FICTION, AT BEST. STOP LYING TO YOURSELF, FUCKTARD.

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A Rita Update...

Regarding the safety of my family I wrote about here...many thanks to everyone who called, e-mailed, or just grabbed me and hugged me. Everybody's fine.

It's weird to hear and see the words Beaumont, Port Arthur, Groves, Jasper, & Lumberton in the national news. To me; these are towns I knew as a child. I was born in Beaumont, at St. Elizabeth's Hospital. I lived there until I was four or five, when we moved to Houston, where I lived most of my life before escaping to Chicago.

My dad has been acting as a "tour guide" for a group of French TV journalists. They pay well (or at least they buy him expensive meals...), and he can't work until things return to normal in Houston anyway (he is a real estate agent, and he also teaches real estate licensing courses).

My mom, John, et al, ended up weathering the storm at John's house. Mom's back home, and pissed because her cable is out, and she can't watch Law & Order nineteen times a day. She can't even play MUCH freecell on the doohickey the GF and I sent her, as the Warner cable guys fucked up her RF modulater thingy. Morons.

My brother John has been drafted by the City of Houston to oversee some sort of project. He's an electrical engineer for Cingular, so it may have something to do with...that.

Domino (my niece) weathered the storm at John's house (along with her awful mother and her ancient and wicked step-father), and is probably happily reading or playing video games, awaiting her triumphant return to school. I can't WAIT until she's up here in December. Two weeks away from that hell, in the winter wonderland that is Chicago. Yay! She is a jewel, and solely of her own creation; any part that others have played in the delightful goddess she is PURELY accidental.

My brother Mark (aka Mic, aka Domino's dad) escaped with his girlfriend to Marshall, Texas. He'll soon be getting drunk and smoking much pot back on Crystal Beach in between construction jobs.

We think my Aunt Bobby (not my real aunt; she's actually my godmother) is with her niece in The Woodlands, north of Houston.

My friends Kim, Jeremy, and the darling Abby made it through okay as well.

I haven't heard from a few people; but I won't start worrying until, oh, Friday.

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I Do Not Support The Troops.

Nope. I don't. Do I wish them harm? No. Do I want them to do "well" (i.e., kill many, many "bad guys", injuring many, many civilians in the process)? No, I do not. Those who say that we shouldn't pull our troops out of Iraq because it would "destabilize the region" or "lead to civil war" need a history lesson and a reality check, not necessarily in that order. The US/"coalition"/POLISH (DON'T FORGET POLAND!!!!11) military presence there has already fucking destabilized the region...and civil war is an inevitability, if not currently a REALITY. Is Saddam being gone a positive? I guess that depends on who you ask. It's not like the "new boss" (i.e., whoever the CIA, Cheney, and Bush, in that order, decided should be in charge) is any better; after all, Saddam was their (poorly) trained dog to begin with.

My main point (and I do have one...) is this: invading Iraq was unnecessary, imperialistic, and ultimately, a waste of resources, time, and energy. They could have used Delta or SEALs to "snatch and grab" Saddam and put him on trial, if that was the "real reason" for the invasion to begin with...I've lost track of Dubya's many imaginary reasons. The net result would have been the same, with less loss of life (American, Iraqi, coalition, EVERYONE) and waste of US taxpayer moolah that could have been used for, oh, I dunno, SCHOOLS, MEDICARE, FOOD/MEDICINE/CLOTHES/JOB TRAINING FOR POOR PEOPLE, INFRASTRUCTURE, LEVY REPAIR IN LOUISIANA, ETC.

You know what I DO support? Bringing the troops home alive, so that mothers like Cindy Sheehan don't have to go through the pain of losing someone they love for a cause that ultimately means nothing in the grand scheme, such as it is. If you're going to die for a cause; make it a good one. Oil and the pretense of freedom are NOT good causes.

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Oh, So Many Things To Talk About...

Rita!
Most of my family still live in Houston; my mom tried to get out with one of my brothers on Tuesday...they drove for eight hours, traveling a total of 30 miles. They turned back at that point; as they were traveling (in two cars) with two cats, a dog, my elderly mom and five kids. They plan to ride the storm out in my brother's office building, which has no windows (on his floor), and its own generator. My dad, meanwhile, plans to hole up at a friend's second story apartment.

Another brother who lives on Crystal Beach (near Galveston) evacuated to Beaumont...sort of like evacuating to the breakfast nook when your kitchen is on fire. I have no clue where he is now, or my godmother, who lives in Beaumont. Cell phone service down there is nonexistent, and land-line service is almost as bad. Dad told me that Houston may turn off all power at some point this evening. Yikes. I hope* Rita goes further east.

I've read several places that the Texas DOT had no full emergency/disaster evacuation plan for the Houston area. Odd, considering its value as a terror target, and the large number of chemical plants, and oh, the NUCLEAR REACTOR. My understanding is that the roads out of the area were not fully contra-flowed until it was too late for that to do any good. I'm glad that I moved to Chicago; but I'm scared for my family.

* Were I not a very happy atheist, I might have used the word "pray"...

TV is teh AWESOME!
I love this show. LOVE. IT. The GF hates it...PRE-EMPTIVE DIVORCE TIME. Har. Nah. She is kind enough not to tease me about watching this embarrassing teenybopper sudser/90210 knockoff...although her love of crappy reality shows more than balances the scales.

Aw.
Methinks Miss Manning has never actually BEEN to Dodger Stadium. Their "fans" leave in the sixth inning so that they can skip the traffic. Not exactly what one might call "fanatic"; or believe them capable of any form of celebration.

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My Favorite Part Of Catholicism: Mutatable Morality!

"Drug money, you say? ¡Si! The church WELCOMES donations from the 'amateur pharmaceutical industry'!"

From the article:

Aguilar was responding to comments made Monday by Roman Catholic Bishop Ramon Godinez, of the central state of Aguascalientes, who said that donations linked to drug trafficking are not out of the ordinary -- and that it's not the church's responsibility to investigate their origin.

"If they have money, they have to spend it; I don't know why such a scandal has been made of this," Godinez said in a follow-up interview with the Televisa television network Tuesday. "If a drug trafficker gives, we are not going to investigate if he's a trafficker or not."

"Let me explain: We live on this, on the offerings of the faithful. And we do not investigate where they acquired the money."

On Monday, the bishop said money can start out being dirty but "can be transformed" when it enters the church, Mexican news media reported.

Magic is KEWL.

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Sycophantish Rubber Bracelet Not Included.

Ah. Um. No.

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News Flash: Judge Will Use "Law" To Decide Cases...

Um. Okay. Dude? That's your fucking JOB.

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Ted Rall: GENIUS.

More Ted here.

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Ha!

Oh, man. I'm crying from laughing.

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Well. It's A Start.

And.........? Nothing? That's it? That's the ONLY thing he takes responsibility for? What a monumental fucktard.

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You Can Take Your "Government" And Your Imaginary Friends And SHOVE 'EM!

Hmmm. I have officially decided to label myself as an "atheist anarchist". Does this mean I have to leave?

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Yikes.

But...my iPod helps me work better! And keeps me from going crazy at work! And it's my FRIEND! Wah!

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Pat Robertson...Someone Really Should "Take Him Out"*

Um. Ick? I wouldn't even advise giving money to the Red Cross, as their overhead is MASSIVE (I've heard that something like 60% of all donations go toward their administrative costs); instead, donate to smaller groups (like Second Harvest, or OxFam America) and animal rescue groups that run no-kill shelters (such as Capital Area Animal Welfare Society (CAAWS), in Baton Rouge or The Animal Defense League).

* Just to clarify; by "take him out", I mean that someone should kill him; preferably using a wooden spoon, or perhaps we could revive the Brazen bull just for him. I don't want someone to accidentally "take him out" for pancakes; or (forefend) dancing...

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Well Done (Sandy) Berger...

Dude. Why steal documents and destroy them? Just use the Bush/Cheney/Rove methodology, and pretend that the events detailed in the documents NEVER HAPPENED.

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Sorry. We Only Respond Quickly During Election Years. And Only In Certain States.

Interesting article on Salon.com (you need a login to read it, or you can get a day pass by watching a commercial) about FEMA's reaction to election year hurricanes (in particular, last year's hurricane in Florida), vs. the current Katrina debacle. Debacle. I love the word debacle. DEBACLE!

An excerpt:

Writing last November for GovExec.com, which touts itself as "the independent business magazine of government," Charles Mahtesian noted, "Now that President Bush has won Florida in his 2004 reelection bid, he may want to draft a letter of appreciation to Michael Brown, chief of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Seldom has any federal agency had the opportunity to so directly and uniquely alter the course of a presidential election, and seldom has any agency delivered for a president as FEMA did in Florida this fall."

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From the Department of Obvious Questions...

What if the effects of Katrina had been caused by a dirty bomb instead of a hurricane? What would the reaction be? Aren't terror attacks what the re-tooled FEMA (seconded now to the Department of Homeland Defense) is supposed to be the first responder to in this so-called "Post 9/11 World"?

Also: do you think Rehnquist has joined Reagan and Hitler in stoking the fires of hell? I do* Then again, maybe he's not dead...he could just be "napping".


* I know, I know...I'm an atheist, and as such, I don't believe in hell. Please don't ruin my fantasy.

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Audition Notice

Via the lovely Vera Kelly:

"Portia Coughlan" by Marina Carr. Directed by Brad Armacost. Performances at Irish American Heritage Center, 4626 N. Knox Avenue, Chicago on October 28, 29, 30 and November 4, 5, 6. Auditions at IAHC on: Saturday September 10th, from 2-5 p.m. and Tuesday September 13th, 6-9 p.m. Cast consists of one male age 12-17, three males ages 30-40, two males ages 45-60, one female age 30-40 and three females ages 45-65. For additional Information: call (773)-485-1404 or e-mail portiacoughlan@hotmail.com.

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Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

"Not anticipated" = "We can plan for what happens if Osama and his pals attack us using nail clippers and lighters, but the possibility of a natural disaster happening during a YEARLY HURRICANE SEASON destroying the infrastructure of a BELOW SEA LEVEL CITY, thus causing COMPLETE AND TOTAL ANARCHY? Nope. We have no clue how to respond to THAT."

Ah. More lies. And some truth.

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Ribbons, armbands; they remind me of something...

I've started a mischievous practice of late; whenever I see a magnetic ribbon on a car, I flip it upside down. A flag presented upside down is a symbol of distress, so my thinking is that a magnetic ribbon reading "UNITED WE STAND" or some such jingoistic bullshit is in need of a flip. And don't get me started on those fucking rubber bracelets people wear. Here's a thought: instead of wearing a crappy bracelet, why not volunteer your time at a hospice? Or maybe just find someone who needs your fucking help and HELP THEM.

I wear one of these. Yeah, I guess that makes my an anti-hip hipster. Eh. I've been called worse.

Oh, yeah....they remind me a little of this.

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Knives are for poking.

If you're bored, and maybe need many, MANY inexpensive pocket knives, leatherman tools, or other things you can no longer bring onto airplanes; go to e-bay.com and type "NTSA" or "confiscated" into the search field. Hee.

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Moo.

So, I'm trying the "grazing" concept of eating. It involves eating several small meals a day, rather than three big ones. Here's how I do it:

Breakfast: I usually have an egg mcmuffin (bad, I know; I need to find something healthier to eat in the morning that a) wakes up my metabolism, and b) makes me as happy), an apple and a banana.

Mid-morning snack: I usually have a banana or an apple. If I'm feeling protein poor; I might have a stick of turkey jerky.

Lunch: My lovely day-job employer caters lunch everyday (they don't want us to leave our desks...hee), so there's a wide variety of choices, good and bad. I usually go for a small-ish serving of some form of meat/protein, and large salad (mixed greens, cucumbers, carrots, a little dab of lite ranch dressing, maybe three croutons); and I nibble on that over two or three hours.

Mid-afternoon snack: I keep a bowl from the lunch line full of watermelon, baby carrots, and cucumbers. If I'm feeling protein poor; I might have a stick of turkey jerky.

Late afternoon/end of work snack: I usually have a banana or an apple.

Before dinner snack: Baby carrots, or some such snack.

Dinner: Depends on what the GF is hungry for. She likes the Mexican food; but I've found some semi-healthy choices there. Emphasis on "semi". If she's fending for herself, I make something simple, usually some kind of chicken, and some kind of starch.

After dinner: I try not to eat up to two hours before I go to sleep. I usually just drink water if I feel hungry.

I'm trying to cut down completely on processed sugar, and cut my starches and bad carbs down considerably. Thus far (about a week in) I definitely feel more energy; and I'm not getting that sluggish, sleepy feeling I used to get in the afternoon after a big starchy lunch.

The main thing I'm worried about is this: my main veggies/fruits are lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, bananas, apples, and potatoes. They all are relatively high in bad things, when compared with other veggies/fruits. The sucky thing; based on my food allergies and my picky tastes, they are all I can have.

That's all for now. I'll keep you posted.

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I don't think I'm alone.

I don't find Eva Longoria attractive. Not even a little bit. I watched an episode of her show (which the GF loves), and was not impressed with her acting chops or her looks. For that matter, I wasn't impressed at all with the show itself; even my beloved Felicity Huffman sucks on it, and making her suck is hard work. Yet, everywhere I look, I see articles and pictures and media sharts telling me how attractive and sexy Miss Longoria is supposed to be. I realize that this isn't a new phenomenon; I'm just venting. Nope. I don't think she's attractive.

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I have a theory...

I think George W. Bush and Karl Rove are lovers. This isn't a joke. There's no punchline. I really, really believe this. I think Dubya is the top, and Karl's the bottom.

That's all. My first post on my new blog, and it's a crackpot theory about the president being gay. Hi!

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