Friday, February 17, 2006

Well! That Settles That. Anyone Up For Some Darts?

Dear Justice Scalia:

I was just reading an article about this no "living Constitution" theory, and your belief in sticking to the plain text of the Constitution "as it was originally written and intended", and I have some questions about what this could mean for our country:

- Since the Amendments are not part of the original work (the Constitution was ratified in 1788, but Amendments 1-10 were adopted in 1791); should we abolish the Bill of Rights?

- How about the Electoral College? Would that no longer exist? And the popular vote of the people would determine who was elected president? That'd be NIFTY! So, Al Gore would get to be president? Yikes. Well, you dance with them what brung ya.

- Would slavery be legal, and as a result, blacks would only counted be as three-fifths of a person? Also; would you have to hold a master's degree in order to actually be a slave master? How about experience in the S&M/B&D world? Would one have to buy their own straw hats and bullwhips, or would they be provided?

- Would citizenship for anyone not born on US soil be revoked? If so, would that mean that Arnold Schwarzenegger would have to go back to Austria? Because I'm cool with that.

- Would only white males be allowed to vote?

- Would income tax be abolished?

- How would we elect senators? Could we do it using a Jeopardy-style show? Or a pub quiz?

- I guess we could still drink all we want, what with the back and forth on Amendments XXI and XVIII being moot, right?

- With no term limits, could we rerun the 2000 election with Bill Clinton against Dubya? Pretty please?

- Seeing as people living in DC will no longer have the right to vote for president; could they have some sort of consolation prize? Maybe candy? Or sunglasses? Or sunglasses made of candy? Those would probably melt.

- Could I find out now how much my poll tax will be? How will that be decided? If I volunteer to work at the polling place, would I qualify for a discount, or even possibly have my tax waived? I'd bring snacks. Cookies, probably. No big whoop.

- While I applaud the hard work the Supreme Court has done over the years; some of its decisions were made based on interpretation of the (obviously!) flawed amendments. Does your belief mean that Marbury v. Madison, Dredd Scott, Miranda, Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade and Plessy v. Ferguson would be over-turned?

I thank you for your time, and I look forward to your answers to these important questions.

Your pal,

~ Alex


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