How To Dismantle An Awards Show

For the first time ever, I watched the entire Grammy telecast (telecast? what am I, 80?), except for the parts I fast-forwarded* through (e.g.; performances by singers/bands I don't like, and some I do). And (shocker!) I have some questions with the performances, and with to whom some of the awards were given. Not a complete list, and in no particular order:

Album of the Year -

Winner: How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, U2

Should Have Won: Late Registration, Kanye West

Big fat duh. Giving U2 this award is almost as bad as Jethro Tull winning the hard rock/metal Grammy back in 1989. Not quite. But almost. U2 hasn't been relevant musically since, oh, 1990. Plus, back in 1992, I delivered pizza to them (to the Houston Astrodome, during the Zoo TV tour). After fighting traffic and security, I safely delivered ten pies to them, only to not be tipped. So you can see how I might be bitter. Also, "Late Registration" is artistically in another universe from "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb".

Record of the Year -

Winner: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Green Day

Should Have Won: Gold Digger, Kanye West

Two things. One, I like Green Day. They seem like nice boys. And Billie Joe's "get well" for Les Paul was touching. Also, please explain how a song on an album released in 2004 can win a Grammy for 2005. Okay, I know how. It's still stupid. But the album the song is on won LAST YEAR! That's fucked.

Song of the Year -

Winner: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2

Should Have Won: "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen

If anything, just for the "Bring 'em home" he added at the end of the performance.

Best New Artist -

Winner: John Legend

Should Have Won: John Legend or Keane

This can be one of those cursed categories.… Hootie & The Blowfish, best new ANYTHING? Not to mention the whole Milli Vanilli fiasco. You're not sure if you WANT the singer/band you like to win.

Best Pop Album -

Winner: Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Should Have Won: Extraordinary Machine, Fiona Apple

I like Kelly. She has a wonderful waist/hip/butt area, and she can sing. But Fiona went through hell to make this album, and it's brilliant.

Best Rap Album -

Winner: Late Registration, Kanye West

Should Have Won: Late Registration, Kanye West

I also would have been happy Common winning for Be, which I like better than Late Registration; but Kanye helped make it that good, so it's sort of a win/win.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance -

Winner: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson

Should Have Won: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson

Meh. I like Ted Leo's cover better then her original. But she does have that lovely waist/hip/butt area.

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance -

Winner: "From The Bottom Of My Heart," Stevie Wonder

Should Have Won: I so don't care. Seal, maybe.

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -

Winner: "This Love," Maroon 5

Should Have Won: "My Doorbell," The White Stripes

My GF says that The White Stripes should win every Grammy for every category. I tend to agree; and would personally love to see what Jack and Meg could do with Best Native American Music Album...

Best Pop Collaboration By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -

Winner: "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul

Should Have Won: "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul

I like the Foo Fighters better, but I'm not a Norah Jones fan. Meh.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -

Winner: "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own," U2

Should Have Won: "Best Of You," Foo Fighters

Or, how about ANYONE BUT U2?

Best Rock Song -

Winner: "City Of Blinding Lights," U2 (written by U2)

Should Have Won: "Best Of You," Foo Fighters (written by Foo Fighters) or "Beverly Hills," Weezer (written by Rivers Cuomo)

Again, ANYONE BUT U2.

Best Rock Album -

Winner: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, U2

Should Have Won: In Your Honor, Foo Fighters

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group -

Winner: "Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas

Should Have Won: "The Corner," Common Featuring The Last Poets

Um. I'm sorry? The Black Eyed Peas? Rap? Um. No. Please see Jethro Tull, hard rock/metal, 1989. Also, someone please kill the Black Eyed Peas. Please. With a hammer. Now.

Now, as for the performances...how do the White Stripes not get asked to perform, but U2 and Paul McCartney get two songs each? Paul got three if you count his joining Jay Z and Linkin Park for "Yesterday". And don't gperformedarted on Madonna. Ick. Who else should have perfomed? How about the Foo Fighters? Weezer? The Killers? Franz Ferdinand? Common? The performances were so pop/mainstream oriented, and I get that; it appeals to their core audience.

It was nice to see Sly and and his GINORMOUS mohawk...and the "SLY" codpiece. Then he sort of just...left; sort of like he didn't really feel comfortable with what was going on onstage. I know exactly how he feels.


* - I almost never watch live TV. Me love my DVRs. LOVE!