Please stop acting. You are not good at it, not at all. You appear to be skilled at singing (or at least at selling CDs), perhaps you could stick with that? Thanks! Much appreciated!
Signed,
EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET
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Dear Justice Scalia:
I was just reading an article about this no "living Constitution" theory, and your belief in sticking to the plain text of the Constitution "as it was originally written and intended", and I have some questions about what this could mean for our country:
- Since the Amendments are not part of the original work (the Constitution was ratified in 1788, but Amendments 1-10 were adopted in 1791); should we abolish the Bill of Rights?
- How about the Electoral College? Would that no longer exist? And the popular vote of the people would determine who was elected president? That'd be NIFTY! So, Al Gore would get to be president? Yikes. Well, you dance with them what brung ya.
- Would slavery be legal, and as a result, blacks would only counted be as three-fifths of a person? Also; would you have to hold a master's degree in order to actually be a slave master? How about experience in the S&M/B&D world? Would one have to buy their own straw hats and bullwhips, or would they be provided?
- Would citizenship for anyone not born on US soil be revoked? If so, would that mean that Arnold Schwarzenegger would have to go back to Austria? Because I'm cool with that.
- Would only white males be allowed to vote?
- Would income tax be abolished?
- How would we elect senators? Could we do it using a Jeopardy-style show? Or a pub quiz?
- I guess we could still drink all we want, what with the back and forth on Amendments XXI and XVIII being moot, right?
- With no term limits, could we rerun the 2000 election with Bill Clinton against Dubya? Pretty please?
- Seeing as people living in DC will no longer have the right to vote for president; could they have some sort of consolation prize? Maybe candy? Or sunglasses? Or sunglasses made of candy? Those would probably melt.
- Could I find out now how much my poll tax will be? How will that be decided? If I volunteer to work at the polling place, would I qualify for a discount, or even possibly have my tax waived? I'd bring snacks. Cookies, probably. No big whoop.
- While I applaud the hard work the Supreme Court has done over the years; some of its decisions were made based on interpretation of the (obviously!) flawed amendments. Does your belief mean that Marbury v. Madison, Dredd Scott, Miranda, Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade and Plessy v. Ferguson would be over-turned?
I thank you for your time, and I look forward to your answers to these important questions.
Your pal,
~ Alex
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the secret of my endurance
I still get letters in the mail, mostly from cracked-up
men in tiny rooms with factory jobs or no jobs who are
living with whores or no woman at all, no hope, just
booze and madness.
Most of their letters are on lined paper
written with an unsharpened pencil
or in ink
in tiny handwriting that slants to the
left
and the paper is often torn
usually halfway up the middle
and they say they like my stuff,
I've written from where it's at, and
they recognize that. truly, I've given them a second
chance, some recognition of where they're at.
it's true, I was there, worse off than most
of them.
but I wonder if they realize where their letters
arrive?
well, they are dropped into a box
behind a six-foot hedge with a long driveway leading
to a two car garage, rose garden, fruit trees,
animals, a beautiful woman, mortgage about half
paid after a year, a new car,
fireplace and a green rug two-inches thick
with a young boy to write my stuff now,
I keep him in a ten-foot cage with a
typewriter, feed him whiskey and raw whores,
belt him pretty good three or four times
a week.
I'm 59 years old now and the critics say
my stuff is getting better than ever.
- Charles Bukowski from Dangling in the Tournefortia (1981)
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If Only I Wrote For The AP...
Click on the picture to see a larger version. See if you can spot the minor change I made to the original story.
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How To Dismantle An Awards Show
For the first time ever, I watched the entire Grammy telecast (telecast? what am I, 80?), except for the parts I fast-forwarded* through (e.g.; performances by singers/bands I don't like, and some I do). And (shocker!) I have some questions with the performances, and with to whom some of the awards were given. Not a complete list, and in no particular order:
Album of the Year -
Winner: How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, U2
Should Have Won: Late Registration, Kanye West
Big fat duh. Giving U2 this award is almost as bad as Jethro Tull winning the hard rock/metal Grammy back in 1989. Not quite. But almost. U2 hasn't been relevant musically since, oh, 1990. Plus, back in 1992, I delivered pizza to them (to the Houston Astrodome, during the Zoo TV tour). After fighting traffic and security, I safely delivered ten pies to them, only to not be tipped. So you can see how I might be bitter. Also, "Late Registration" is artistically in another universe from "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb".
Record of the Year -
Winner: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Green Day
Should Have Won: Gold Digger, Kanye West
Two things. One, I like Green Day. They seem like nice boys. And Billie Joe's "get well" for Les Paul was touching. Also, please explain how a song on an album released in 2004 can win a Grammy for 2005. Okay, I know how. It's still stupid. But the album the song is on won LAST YEAR! That's fucked.
Song of the Year -
Winner: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2
Should Have Won: "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen
If anything, just for the "Bring 'em home" he added at the end of the performance.
Best New Artist -
Winner: John Legend
Should Have Won: John Legend or Keane
This can be one of those cursed categories.
Hootie & The Blowfish, best new ANYTHING? Not to mention the whole Milli Vanilli fiasco. You're not sure if you WANT the singer/band you like to win.
Best Pop Album -
Winner: Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson
Should Have Won: Extraordinary Machine, Fiona Apple
I like Kelly. She has a wonderful waist/hip/butt area, and she can sing. But Fiona went through hell to make this album, and it's brilliant.
Best Rap Album -
Winner: Late Registration, Kanye West
Should Have Won: Late Registration, Kanye West
I also would have been happy Common winning for Be, which I like better than Late Registration; but Kanye helped make it that good, so it's sort of a win/win.
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance -
Winner: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
Should Have Won: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
Meh. I like Ted Leo's cover better then her original. But she does have that lovely waist/hip/butt area.
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance -
Winner: "From The Bottom Of My Heart," Stevie Wonder
Should Have Won: I so don't care. Seal, maybe.
Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -
Winner: "This Love," Maroon 5
Should Have Won: "My Doorbell," The White Stripes
My GF says that The White Stripes should win every Grammy for every category. I tend to agree; and would personally love to see what Jack and Meg could do with Best Native American Music Album...
Best Pop Collaboration By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -
Winner: "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul
Should Have Won: "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul
I like the Foo Fighters better, but I'm not a Norah Jones fan. Meh.
Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal -
Winner: "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own," U2
Should Have Won: "Best Of You," Foo Fighters
Or, how about ANYONE BUT U2?
Best Rock Song -
Winner: "City Of Blinding Lights," U2 (written by U2)
Should Have Won: "Best Of You," Foo Fighters (written by Foo Fighters) or "Beverly Hills," Weezer (written by Rivers Cuomo)
Again, ANYONE BUT U2.
Best Rock Album -
Winner: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, U2
Should Have Won: In Your Honor, Foo Fighters
Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group -
Winner: "Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas
Should Have Won: "The Corner," Common Featuring The Last Poets
Um. I'm sorry? The Black Eyed Peas? Rap? Um. No. Please see Jethro Tull, hard rock/metal, 1989. Also, someone please kill the Black Eyed Peas. Please. With a hammer. Now.
Now, as for the performances...how do the White Stripes not get asked to perform, but U2 and Paul McCartney get two songs each? Paul got three if you count his joining Jay Z and Linkin Park for "Yesterday". And don't gperformedarted on Madonna. Ick. Who else should have perfomed? How about the Foo Fighters? Weezer? The Killers? Franz Ferdinand? Common? The performances were so pop/mainstream oriented, and I get that; it appeals to their core audience.
It was nice to see Sly and and his GINORMOUS mohawk...and the "SLY" codpiece. Then he sort of just...left; sort of like he didn't really feel comfortable with what was going on onstage. I know exactly how he feels.
* - I almost never watch live TV. Me love my DVRs. LOVE!
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Is anyone else amused by Dubya calling for an end to the violent protests triggered by cartoons of Muhammad? Especially this statement:
"With freedom comes the responsibility to be thoughtful about others"
Um. Wow. Practice what you preach, moron.
In other news, I posted the cartoons in question to my Flickr account, meaning to make them private, intending to use them as the basis of a discussion of press freedoms and religious iconography. I did not realize at the time I uploaded them that you can make things private as they upload. Literally SECONDS after I uploaded them, I got this message from "pakidude", another Flicker member:
Subject: Offensive Content
I am shocked to learn, the same religiously offensive cartoons that have been refused to be published by major US newspapers like Washington Post and USA today, have been posted on flickr by you.
As a progressive Muslim living in New York, I can assure you that every single Muslim will find them extremely offensive and insensitive.
Syed
I, of course, responded in my usual calm and polite manner:
Re: Offensive Content
You're shocked? Why are you shocked? Do you know me? You don't, do you? I'm not religious. I find religious iconography interesting. I posted them to show some friends, and have a discussion about religious tolerance and the freedom of the press.
And I have a news flash for you, Jack:
- You aren't all that progressive if you find a cartoon offensive.
- I could care less about what "every single Muslim" (above and beyond the fact that GUESS WHAT YOU DON'T SPEAK FOR ALL OF THEM) finds offensive, just like I didn't care what Christians thought when I posted this - flickr.com/photos/weirdoactor/61373426/ or what Scientologists thought when I posted this - flickr.com/photos/weirdoactor/73261235/.
Now. Please fuck off.
I then made the pictures private (again, this was my original intention) and blocked "Syed".
He responded on this blog accordingly (since deleted, as it was off-topic for the post):
what happened fuck face? i guess flickr deleted your shit... tough luck bitch... thats what you get for being a fucking moron. syed from flickr.
I responded:
Let me answer your question; "what happened fuck face?" Having little context to go by, and judging solely from your photos; I'd say that your mom fucked a camel. That’s just a guess. It may be wrong.
Your next statement, “i guess flickr deleted your shit...” is untrue. I made the pictures viewable by only my friends and family; which was my original intention. Not because I didn’t want to insult the likes of you and your easily insulted brethren; but to avoid interactions such as these with small-minded worshipers of imaginary people like you.
You then put forth this interesting statement: “tough luck bitch”. Wow. I don’t believe in luck; but I do hear that “Reality is a bitch and I heard that she bites”. Seeing as your entire religion seems based on keeping women in a lower caste, and devaluing them in general, I’m not shocked that you would use such language. I wonder what your nieces would say about that? Well, if they were a) allowed to speak on such matters and b) could be understood from behind their veils.
Your next bon mot was “thats what you get for being a fucking moron”. First of all; not to go all “grammar cop” on you, but that apostrophe lives between the “t” and the “s” for a reason, mister! Secondly; who’s the fucking moron here? Me for posting cartoons for discussion on my gallery; or you for attacking a stranger with no context or dialogue?
I should also tell you the following, just so you know where I’m coming from:
- I hate George W. Bush, and have proudly voted against him four times
- I do not support the war on terror or the war in Iraq; I find them both to be an extreme waste of time, money and lives
- I hate all religions equally, for the pain they have caused over the centuries
I wish you the best of luck, “Syed”. You’ll need it.
Oh, I’ve blocked you from looking at my account on Flickr. Feel free to post whatever you want on my blog; but I’ll probably just delete it if it’s anything like your last post.
Gosh. I hope he doesn't crash a plane into my house. That would suck. Also, it would piss off my girlfriend; who does NOT wear a veil, and WOULD swear out a fatwa on his skinny ass. JIHAD, MOTHERFUCKER!
Wanna see the cartoons? Click on the title of this entry, or here.
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